Marriage Lessons Learned from a Newlywed

As this semester is coming to a close I have chosen to again reflect back on the expectations and realities of being a newlywed. Getting married to my best friend was the absolute best choice I could have made in my life. I feel I've grown up so much in the last 8 1/2 months of being married to my sweetheart! Below are a few lessons that I have come to realize are tips about of married life, especially newlywed life. 

1. Laugh through life.

Previously to marriage, I had the odd expectation that I would never be embarrassed in front of my husband. Ya, not true. I still get embarrassed when I stumble on words when I read (believe me, I don't know why), even more now that I am married. I care more what my husband thinks of me than any other person, and that is okay! I've learned there is a difference between feeling embarrassed and being humiliated. 

Everyone does things that could be classified as embarrassing; it's how you and your spouse handle it that makes the difference. For me, it seems that talking or pointing out the problem is more embarrassing than the thing itself. Learn that uncomfortable and awkward situations will occur, especially in the newlywed phase, but it's how you address it that helps your relationship grow. 

It is more than okay to tease and joke with your spouse as long as they understand that there is love behind every comment. As much as I say I hate it, I love it when Kyle pokes fun at some of the silly things that I do, because it keeps our marriage light and happy. Laughing is said to be the 'best medicine', and it is so true for a marriage. Laugh everyday with your spouse because it can help the both of you combat the harsh realities and problems of adult married life.

2. Life will not be perfect tomorrow, or next week, or even next year. 

Man, is this a harsh lesson to learn. I am a perfectionist, and have been my whole life. I struggle the most with forgiving myself when I do something wrong and am my toughest critic. Like I mentioned in my social media blogpost, I struggle with not comparing my imperfect marriage to the 'perfect' marriages of my peers I see online. It seems that only my husband and I have disagreements and bad days, because I never see any other couple with these problems. In testimony meeting on Sunday, the High Counselor over our ward gave this great advice, "Your lives are not perfect now, and it's okay. As you and your spouse come closer to your Savior individually and as a couple, you will become perfected. The longer my spouse and I are together, the more perfected we are becoming." This touched me because I gained greater courage that marriage's don't start out perfect, but in the end we hope that they become such. 

This earth is a testing period where God wants us to learn and grow so we can become stronger and more faithful individuals before we meet Him again. Life is going to throw you some fastballs and curve balls, and as long as you and your spouse stand up to the plate together with the same purpose, you will be able to hit a home run and end up better than you were before. It's tough sometimes, but have hope that as you rely on God you can take those small steps toward a more perfected marriage. 

3. Just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I am wasting my life. 

I absolutely love this ecard! Any newlywed knows the truth of this statement, especially in the LDS culture! It seems that everyone in my ward and online is getting pregnant. I've also realized that it seems like everyone is getting engaged and married. I've learned that I notice baby announcements because that is what is next for me. It's hard for me not to feel left out, being, what seems like, the only newlywed that is not currently pregnant or plans to be in the near future. Newlywed Survival addresses 3 things to never ask newlyweds, and one is, "When are you going to start a family?" They mention that it's no one's business except the couple, and it's completely up to them (and I would mention God too). The decision to start having children is a decision that is influenced by many different factors, and God understands that. I have come to learn that as long as Kyle and I are preparing ourselves individually and as a couple to be great parents, we are doing righteous things. Again, just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I am wasting my life.

These are just a few of the lessons that I have learned since becoming married, and I know there are many lessons that still need to be learned. I trust that God has a plan for me and that as I have faith in that plan I will grow and become more like him. For more throughout the week, remember to like my Facebook page, and follow me on Instagram.  

Combating Financial Problems in Marriage: Cheap can be Cheery

It is well known that monetary strain and money problems leads to a lot of marital conflict and is one of the leading causes of divorce. Forbes states, "Foolishly spending money is the number one financial cause for divorce." This means that this problem needs some of the most attention. The question we should be asking is, "How can my spouse and I combat financial problems together effectively?" Marvin J. Ashton's pamphlet "One for the Money: Guide to Family Finance" gives five suggestions that I recommend every couple and family implement in their lives. Below are a few that have been helpful in my marriage. 

1. Create and Stick to a Budget

This is one of the best pieces of marriage advice I received before I got married. The first place to start is to create/find a budget template. There are many budget templates online, but Kyle and I decided to create our own on an Excel sheet that is more custom to us. It is important that when you and your spouse create your budget, that your individual needs and goals are being considered. This can help reduce the contention and frustrations surrounding your budget. Creating a budget is the easy part, but sticking to one is harder.  Remember that your budget needs to be realistic and help you live financially stable. Along with your budget, you and your spouse need to have routine budget check-in meetings. This is an essential step to following your budget and can foster great financial discussions with your spouse.

2. Saving is Essential

This is one of the best tools to help limit financial stress. I suggest saving a certain percent of your pay check first before determining what you have left to spend. There are many accidents and unforeseen circumstances that will arise throughout your marriage (complications during childbirth can rack up a bill of over $50,000 very quickly), and having a fairly large savings can be such a relief. Tip: Just because you have $5,000 in savings does not mean that you have to spend it. I have learned that the more money I have in savings the more at peace I feel. I know that when I prepare myself financially that I will be blessed in the future. It is important to create a saving's strategy with your spouse so you can both be on the same page with your finances. This idea can help you and your spouse be less stressed when monetary difficulties come your way and can greatly help reduce contention. 

3. Pay a full Tithe

This is a principle that many couples can struggle with. I remember as a kid learning this principle and thinking that a dime out of my dollar was a lot. I laugh at that now! Though it may seem like a sacrifice, we are promised blessings. "The payment of tithing is a commandment, a commandment with a promise." These blessings can include good heath, relationships, and financial stability. This is one financial principle, that when followed consistently, will have an eternal impact. 

Rich Avery for SeedTime talks about 7 simple rules to stop fighting about money and his first one is to be generous givers. He recounts that paying tithing brought him and his spouse closer together. I know this principle is true because I have seen it in my life. As Kyle and I faithfully pay our tithing, we find that we can make better monetary decisions with what money we have left after tithing. 

4. Be Honest about your Finances

For financial success in your marriage, you and your spouse need to be honest with each other about your money and where it is going. As a couple, you cannot accurately plan your finances if you aren't being honest and realistic with one another. You are honest with finances when you openly talk about financial difficulties and not hide money from one another.  One step that my husband and I have taken to be more honest about our finances together, is we created a joint bank account that we both have access to. It allows both of us to see where we are spending our money and opens up great discussion. Honesty is essential to every aspect of marriage, not just finances.

If you and your spouse are facing serious money problems I suggest going to see your bishop or a financial adviser. Facing financial difficulties are hard but as you rely on the Lord and work together with your spouse you can be blessed. For more advice Nurturing Marriage has an entire section dedicated to combating finances as a couple. There are many great articles that have helped me along this new path in my marriage. By following these few simple steps, you and your spouse can reduce contention surrounding monetary issues. 

What Gospel Actions Strengthen my Marriage the Most?

In search to strengthen the bonds of my marriage, I found this article recently with a list of things that happily married couples do, and I found it very enlightening. It made me ponder and make a mental note of what gospel actions have had the biggest impact on my marriage so far. Every aspect of gospel living has had an impact on my marriage, but the three below are the one's that I feel have strengthened my marriage the most. 

1. Family Prayers

What benefits come from praying as a couple? I know, without a doubt in my mind, that as my husband and I kneel in prayer together, we are blessed. This is one action, when neglected, I am noticing has an impact on our marriage. I tend to be quicker to anger and we miscommunicate more often. As you pray as a couple, your individual relationship with God will strengthen and your relationship with your spouse will strengthen too. 

In the 'Marriage and Family Relations' Sunday School course, one lesson teaches how prayer strengthens a marriage. I love this thought, "You simply can't pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another." It is so true! As my husband and I pray together, we have a happier marriage and fewer conflicts arise. For more from this lesson you can find it HERE. 

I suggest praying as a couple at least once a day. Whether that be in the morning or night, make it consistent. What better way to start your day together than by conversing with the Lord as a couple? By doing this consistently, you form a habit that can lead to a life-time full of family prayers and a strong marital relationship. I know that as you and your spouse pray together everyday, your marriage will be greatly enriched. Your home will be filled with peace and your relationship with your spouse will grow.

2. Family Home Evening

“We don't have kids, should we still have Family Home Evening as a couple?” Yes, yes, yes, and yes. (For info on what FHE is click HERE). Family Home Evenings are meant for families, and are not you and your spouse a family now? Kyle and I are continually trying, though not successfully each week, to spend some time having our own FHE. I've realized that they don't need to be some spectacular event, but a simple sharing of testimonies and discussion. By spending even an hour each week discussing gospel topics, I know that your marriage is strengthened.

Again, consistency is key. We try to have it every Monday night, but sometimes with school and homework it gets pushed to another day; This is okay! At first it was hard to implement, but now after a few months of effort it has become a habit. We can still receive the benefits As long as we are actively trying to do so. (Additionally, a treat afterward can help to make it more fun.)

 “I know that having FHE as a couple is important, but what are lesson ideas for couples specifically?” Kyle and I tried figuring out a schedule of lessons (I would do the lesson one week and him the next), but it became stressful on top of all of our school work. What we've found that works best is reading gospel material, more specifically, Jesus The Christ by James E. Talmage. By just reading a chapter, it sparks a great discussion from which we can both benefit. This has been a great way to strengthen my testimony and my marriage in just one simple evening each week. Below are a few more ideas:

• Trisha from Let's Get Together gives specific FHE lesson and activity ideas for newlyweds and empty nesters you can find HERE. 
• Want a specific FHE lesson already planned? Check out LDS Daily's post designed specifically for a newlywed FHE lesson HERE.  
• Marissa, another newlywed, offers 11 FHE ideas that are simple yet fun HERE.

"We cannot afford to neglect this heaven-inspired program [family home evening]. It can bring spiritual growth to each member of the family, helping him or her to withstand the temptations which are everywhere. The lessons learned in the home are those that last the longest." -Thomas S. Monson

For testimony from Latter-Day prophets on the importance of Family Home Evenings, click HERE. 

3. Regular Temple Attendance with my spouse. 

This gospel action, for me personally, is one of my favorite things to do. I am very grateful that my husband and I were able to make covenants in the temple together. I love going to the House of the Lord where the same sacred covenants I entered into with my husband are performed each and every day. I know, that as Kyle and I continue to go to the temple together to serve, our marriage has been blessed.

As a couple, we try and attend the temple at least once a month (since we are about an hour away from a temple). It is important to figure out what works best for your marriage situation. I believe that you can never go to the temple too often. Sometimes, if there is an important decision to be made, going to the temple more often than usual can bring added blessings and guidance.

There are many blessings that have come from attending the temple of which we are unaware. I do know that as you attend the temple with your spouse, your marriage is strengthened. You can find more peace and understanding in the temple. Regular temple attendance doesn’t just bless your marriage, but also blesses you individually.

I understand that not everyone has a current temple recommend or has made all or any of the temple covenants, but I know that as you work toward those and make it a goal, you will be blessed in your efforts. For more info on LDS Temples go HERE and for more info on the covenants made therein go HERE. 

Though all aspects of gospel living have blessed my marriage, daily prayer, weekly FHE, and attending the temple together consistently, have blessed my marriage the most. I believe that your marriage should be your most cherished possession and these three actions can help you defend it against the fiery darts of the adversary. 

How to Serve my Spouse

How do I serve my spouse effectively and lovingly? How can I become less selfish in marriage? What are easy ways to serve my spouse?

These are some of the questions I've thought about recently. Advice givers always say to serve your spouse, but how? Now, I haven't learned or applied all of the answers to these questions in my life, but I am consistently working towards that goal. The point of this post is to help you improve the quality of your marriage, or your future marriage. There are many sources on Pinterest or even on Google that can answer my questions, but I wanted more personalized and relative answers. Below are a few of my favorite pieces of advice and wisdom that I learned about effective service in marriage.

1. Why is it important to serve my spouse?

I didn't realize how crucial service can be in a marriage until I got married. I serve my spouse every day without realizing it, but we need to not rely solely on the day to day things. At times, service to your spouse needs to be intentional. Service is a way to keep your love alive. It also helps you gain a better perspective on Christlike charity and service. I am learning more about the love and service of my Savior from the service and love I feel for my spouse. Overall, it is important to serve your spouse because it prepares you for all other service you will render throughout your life. What better way to practice joyfully serving your children than to serve your spouse? I really love how simply this video below shows the importance of service in marriage.

2. What can service do for my marriage?

I can verify first hand that service can do a lot not only for your marriage but for yourself. Service can help you become more selfless. I love this quote below from Richard G. Scott found here.

I have come to gain a testimony of this statement. Since being married, I am becoming less selfish, which is such a blessing. I am learning to love to serve my spouse. I've been able to overcome some selfish tendencies because I consciously make an effort to think about my spouse first. I am realizing more now that marriage isn't just a fun adventure, but it's helping me prepare for children and for the eternities. Service has also helped Kyle and I grow closer together. Sister Barbara B. Smith in a general conference talk said, "Service within a family increases spirituality and strengthens bonds of love." I believe this because I have seen these effects first hand. As Kyle and I serve one another, we become better friends and our love grows stronger. This has helped us have a more positive outlook and a more blissful life - all blessings from serving one another.

3. What are ways in which I can serve my spouse?

There are many simple and easy ways to serve your spouse. Service doesn't need to take hours or tons of effort. I've learned that not only is it important to serve your spouse, but it is equally important to serve with your spouse. I know there are many ideas all over the internet, but here are a few of my ideas that have been highly effective in my marriage.

charissaleephotography.com

• Attend the temple together -You serve your spouse by giving them an opportunity to serve others!
• Understand their schedule - This might sound odd, but a great way to serve your spouse is by knowing when they are going to be free and busy.
• Smile - Offering a willing smile can cheer them up and help brighten their day.
• Assist them with their church callings - If they are prepping for a lesson or scheduling meetings, offer to help.
• Pray for them - You may not be able to see the benefits, but it does way more than you know. You may also be more readily inspired to know how to better serve them!

Here are a few unique lists for serving your spouse that I really enjoy. Remember, not all marriages are the same, so be sure to apply what fits your marriage.

From Grass Fed Mama:

• Scrape the ice off their windshield in the winter
• Choose not to nag about something that hasn't been completed
• Wash their car
• Pick up their favorite snack when you are at the grocery store

Seeing Sunshine gives 50 ideas:

• Put your phone down
• Make them a playlist
• Spend some time doing their hobbies with them
• Talk positively about them in public

Lara from Overstuffed gives some great insights for simple actions to better serve your spouse:

• Thank them
• Ask them
• Observe them

4. What are problems involving service that can occur in marriage?

This might not be a question you would think to ask, but it is one that I wish I had asked before getting married. Service doesn't always cause problems, but it can, and it's good to be prepared. In my last post, I blogged about when I first got married, I felt like I always needed to do all the housework. Service became a problem when Kyle would do the dishes, and I would attribute it to me not being a good enough wife. Extreme, I know, but I've since learned better. It seems that sometimes it is hard to accept service from other people. Society is craving more independency and pushing this idea to all of it's members. This can be in an issue in any budding marriage. I know that I should be serving my spouse, but am I allowing my spouse to serve me? To graciously and willingly accept service from your spouse can foster many great things. This is hard, believe me, but it is a worthy goal to work toward. I've realized that if I want my spouse to accept my service willingly, then I should do the same.

Another problem that I have seen is keeping score. "Well I did the dishes the last 3 times, and you haven't done them at all this week!" Service should never be demanded or expected. Make sure that when you willingly accept service from your spouse and others to not make a tally in your head. We should always be serving, but not for the purpose of 'getting even' or 'paying you back'. Accept service as it is, a kind gesture out of love. Even though we many not be keeping score, at times it can seem that the service is never reciprocated. If this is the case for you, make sure you talk to your spouse. Communication is key in serving your spouse. Also, D&C 64:33 gives great advice, "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." 
Service can be and should be a joy to render. Understand that service for your spouse or anyone else brings great blessings to your life. I love this advice I heard in a church lesson once, "Service is joyful when its given in this order:

• J esus

• O thers

• Y ourself "

If you have any ideas or suggestion on ways to effectively serve your spouse or blessings you have seen in you marriage from serving one another, comment below!

They are In-laws not Out-laws

I've heard many times, you don't just marry your spouse, but their entire family as well. Dealing with the in-laws is not something you are trained for before you get married. An amazing address from Richard B. Millar titled "For Newlyweds and Their Parents" has amazing advice about in-laws and marriage which sparked this blog post.

I have had great luck with my in-laws. Kyle brought me home many times and I practically lived at his parent's home the summer before we got married. I was able to develop a good connection with my, then, future in-laws. These three tips are what I feel are some of the most important things I have learned about in-laws and how to deal with them.

1. Establish Boundaries

Photo Cred: Charissa Lee Photography

 (Read Quote) This refers to your husband as well. You may wonder: How does this apply to in-laws? Well the scripture specifically says none else, and this can be interpreted as your parents and in-laws. President Spencer W. Kimball in an address said, "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."

Move out! The best chance you have to establishing your boundaries from your parents and in-laws is by separating yourselves geographically. Luckily, for Kyle and I, we live 150 miles away from his parents and 300 miles away from mine. After our honeymoon we didn't go see family until we had been married for a three months. This time was important for us to establish our relationship as a married couple and not have parents tell us what to do. It's important to stick together. 

You are married to your spouse not their parents, siblings, or grandparents. It's important to talk to your spouse about both your families and come to a consensus on what is permissible to talk about with them and how often you expect to see your families. 

2. Its okay that they are different

Now this is a tip that I struggle with. It is hard for me not to compare my family with my husband's. I am an only child of divorced parents and have a couple of half-siblings that are significantly older than I am. Kyle has a nuclear family with married parents and five siblings. I have struggled with feeling insecure about my family because I compare it to Kyle's. I read a quote that says, "Jealousy is when you count someone else's blessings instead of your own." Your family is the way God intended or allowed it to be. I love my family and I love that we are different. Its what makes me unique and has helped be grow and become the person I am today. Instead of looking for how your spouse's family does it 'wrong' or not the way your family does it, embrace the difference. Coming to terms that they are different from your family is one huge step in helping you see them as part of your new family. 

3. They are family, treat them like it

Marriage is the union of two people AND two families. I think that when you look at them as "his family" or "her family" it doesn't honor what marriage is meant to be. Yes, Kyle and I reference our families as "your family" and "my family" just to keep them straight, but I recognize that they are all my family. This is not something that magically happens over night. Once you get married, you may not feel part of your spouse's family. Have you heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it"? Try this! I didn't feel super close to my in-laws at first, but once we got engaged, I worked on this. I felt like an impostor in their family, but it has gotten much better and I feel more of a part of their family now. 

'Monster'-in-laws do exist. I don't deny that it can be hard to love your in-laws. This is where I suggest you turn to Christ. Treat your in-laws like he would. Pray for them and 'kill them with kindness'. It's been said that the way you treat others says more about you than it does them. I don't have a lot of advice for this because my in-laws are pretty great, so check out the links below. 

• The Better Mom gives 7 tips for getting along with your in-laws here. 
• All Women Stalk have 7 tips here.
• Thrive gives 4 tips here. 
• Nurturing Marriage gives these 5 tips here.

Your in-laws aren't going to magically disappear (unless you kill them, which wouldn't be the best idea). Learning to love them can make a world of difference in your marriage. If you have any tips on how you have learned to love your in-laws or have any crazy stories, comment below!

Forgiving: The Most Important Quality

I have learned within the few short months of being married the truth of the title of this post. Forgiveness is one of the most important (and probably the most occurring) action we take in marriage. I read this article on "Nurturing Marriage" and it made me think about how forgiveness has had an impact on my marriage. Here a few tips on how in your marriage, or any relationship, you can improve forgiveness.

1. Don't focus on the little annoyances and shortcomings

Your spouse and you are different people, this isn't a new concept, I hope. Once you get married it seems that all of the little things that were simple annoyances now seem like big roadblocks. It can be a huge downfall when we hold onto this frustration and occasionally anger, because it blocks the trust within your relationship. There is a wise quote that says:

We are not perfect people, and we are not meant to become such in this life. I have learned that these little "issues" are what make my husband and I different, and that's the way it should be. It is important to always focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you hate or dislike about them. I may not be perfect with this concept but I am working on it, and that's what really counts. 

"We all have our weaknesses and failings. Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it. Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him. What good does it do? Is not forgiveness better? Is not charity better? Is not love better?" -Joseph F. Smith

2. Sincere apologies and forgiveness are the most beneficial

In my last post I mentioned the 5 love languages, and now I bring to light the Apology Languages. These are ways in which a person wants, asks for, and likes receiving forgiveness. To find out what your language is click here. 

Sincere and explanatory apologies are essential because they help your spouse understand what you feel went wrong. I tend to say "I'm sorry" for every little thing. Kyle has encouraged me to explain what I feel I did wrong, and most times there really isn't a problem. Being specific allows for more growth between partners, because it is more than a simple exchange of words. It is chance to better understand one another. Tip: It is helpful if your apology doesn't simply include "I'm sorry" but also asks for forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't one sided. It is both asking and giving. It requires both partners. 

Michelle of #staymarried gives a few great tips for the best apology, check it out here.

3. Asking forgiveness implies change

To ask for forgiveness isn't just accepting blame but accepting that you are going to improve. This quality makes giving forgiveness 10x easier. There are going to be things that you need to improve, its human nature. Something that I have a problem with is interrupting Kyle with really random thoughts when he is in the middle of discussing something. Now, this has been something that I continue to ask forgiveness for, but I am always trying to work on it. I feel that I don't fully receive forgiveness by simply saying "I'm sorry" but through working on what I have done wrong. Just asking for forgiveness from your spouse doesn't necessarily mean that we will receive it, unless its coupled with a true change of heart. This directly applies to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He is willing and ready to give forgiveness as long as we have a change of heart and work on improving. 

"To every forgiveness there is a condition. The plaster must be as wide as the sore. " - Spencer W. Kimball

4. Forgiveness fosters trust and peace

In the first few months of being married to my husband, I began to learn the truth of this statement. I read a quote that once said, "Apologizing doesn't always mean you're wrong, and the other person is right. It means you value your relationship more than your ego!" By giving and seeking forgiveness it shows that you are humble enough to accept the faults of your spouse and you. Being humble and willing to work with your spouse can bring such peace of mind. This shows your spouse that you want your relationship to last.

The YouTube channel Soul Pancake produced this video about the positive effects of forgiveness. I think these effects directly apply to a marriage relationship:

Both seeking and giving forgiveness are extremely important. Through sincere forgiveness and a true desire to change, any marriage can last through thick and thin.

For more resources about forgiveness and the LDS Church's thoughts on it check these links below:
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage
The Miracle of Forgiveness