Marriage Lessons Learned from a Newlywed

As this semester is coming to a close I have chosen to again reflect back on the expectations and realities of being a newlywed. Getting married to my best friend was the absolute best choice I could have made in my life. I feel I've grown up so much in the last 8 1/2 months of being married to my sweetheart! Below are a few lessons that I have come to realize are tips about of married life, especially newlywed life. 

1. Laugh through life.

Previously to marriage, I had the odd expectation that I would never be embarrassed in front of my husband. Ya, not true. I still get embarrassed when I stumble on words when I read (believe me, I don't know why), even more now that I am married. I care more what my husband thinks of me than any other person, and that is okay! I've learned there is a difference between feeling embarrassed and being humiliated. 

Everyone does things that could be classified as embarrassing; it's how you and your spouse handle it that makes the difference. For me, it seems that talking or pointing out the problem is more embarrassing than the thing itself. Learn that uncomfortable and awkward situations will occur, especially in the newlywed phase, but it's how you address it that helps your relationship grow. 

It is more than okay to tease and joke with your spouse as long as they understand that there is love behind every comment. As much as I say I hate it, I love it when Kyle pokes fun at some of the silly things that I do, because it keeps our marriage light and happy. Laughing is said to be the 'best medicine', and it is so true for a marriage. Laugh everyday with your spouse because it can help the both of you combat the harsh realities and problems of adult married life.

2. Life will not be perfect tomorrow, or next week, or even next year. 

Man, is this a harsh lesson to learn. I am a perfectionist, and have been my whole life. I struggle the most with forgiving myself when I do something wrong and am my toughest critic. Like I mentioned in my social media blogpost, I struggle with not comparing my imperfect marriage to the 'perfect' marriages of my peers I see online. It seems that only my husband and I have disagreements and bad days, because I never see any other couple with these problems. In testimony meeting on Sunday, the High Counselor over our ward gave this great advice, "Your lives are not perfect now, and it's okay. As you and your spouse come closer to your Savior individually and as a couple, you will become perfected. The longer my spouse and I are together, the more perfected we are becoming." This touched me because I gained greater courage that marriage's don't start out perfect, but in the end we hope that they become such. 

This earth is a testing period where God wants us to learn and grow so we can become stronger and more faithful individuals before we meet Him again. Life is going to throw you some fastballs and curve balls, and as long as you and your spouse stand up to the plate together with the same purpose, you will be able to hit a home run and end up better than you were before. It's tough sometimes, but have hope that as you rely on God you can take those small steps toward a more perfected marriage. 

3. Just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I am wasting my life. 

I absolutely love this ecard! Any newlywed knows the truth of this statement, especially in the LDS culture! It seems that everyone in my ward and online is getting pregnant. I've also realized that it seems like everyone is getting engaged and married. I've learned that I notice baby announcements because that is what is next for me. It's hard for me not to feel left out, being, what seems like, the only newlywed that is not currently pregnant or plans to be in the near future. Newlywed Survival addresses 3 things to never ask newlyweds, and one is, "When are you going to start a family?" They mention that it's no one's business except the couple, and it's completely up to them (and I would mention God too). The decision to start having children is a decision that is influenced by many different factors, and God understands that. I have come to learn that as long as Kyle and I are preparing ourselves individually and as a couple to be great parents, we are doing righteous things. Again, just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I am wasting my life.

These are just a few of the lessons that I have learned since becoming married, and I know there are many lessons that still need to be learned. I trust that God has a plan for me and that as I have faith in that plan I will grow and become more like him. For more throughout the week, remember to like my Facebook page, and follow me on Instagram.  

How to Communicate Effectively with Your Spouse.

What a great video! No, I don't believe that this is how it always is, but it shows how the communication styles between couples can vary. Communication is key in any relationship, especially a marriage. In this first year of marriage I have thought about how my spouse and I can communicate more effectively. I am learning many things about how I communicate and my own expectations about communication. Below are three 'truths' that I feel has had a great impact on the communication patterns in my marriage. 

1. You may never understand one another perfectly.

I wasn't quite prepared for this when entering marriage. Misinterpretation and miscommunication happened very rarely when dating, but after marriage these seemed to increase. 

I love this quote (see right). When I found it for the first time it had a great impact on me. I am learning that miscommunication will always happen no matter how long we have been together. Emily Sanders gives 5 questions to ask yourself to recognize miscommunication. I am trying to ask myself these questions instead of getting offended and seek clarification before I assume wrong. Mark Merrill give tips for communicating with people with specific communication styles like Think Out Loud Luke or Lauren Solve It Steve and Sarah. The most important factor for improving marriage communication is simply understanding that you and your spouse are different people and may never get it perfectly right. 

2. Listening is as important as talking.

Now, this is one truth that I continually struggle with. The communication patterns in my marriage are the most natural when I listen just as much as I respond. I know that when I work on intently listening to my spouse, our conversations are more meaningful. 
Mike and Carlie from Fulfilling Your Vows present 6 great tips to become a better listener. I love their tip to get rid of distractions. These can be your phone, TV, or daydreaming. To give your spouse your full attention, you need to eliminate the things that will distract you. I also like their tip to not worry about what you will say next. Focus on what your spouse is saying and not about how you plan to respond. I am implementing this latter tip and it has significantly improved my listening abilities. Luckily for me, my husband became a pro listener while serving his LDS mission. I feel very validated when he responds and asks questions that are relevant to what I just said! I know that when you listen to understand and not just to reply, your communication in your marriage can improve!

3. It's not a competition.

This is one truth that didn't just immediately pop into my mind. After pondering over the best and worst conversations I have had with my spouse, I realized that when I was trying to work with my spouse and not against him, I had more productive conversations. Katie Hornor of Paradise Praises refers to this as 'Back him up!' She emphasizes the need to be a unified front with your spouse in public and especially in front of children. Even though she and her spouse may not agree, she tries to pull him aside and privately discuss it later. I think this is such a great habit to start! I believe that when you and your spouse try to focus your communication to become a unified front, you will build trust in your marriage. Elisa Puliman talks about four communication principles that have a great impact on any relationship and encourages us to ask ourselves, "Am I owning my own stuff and not blaming others or playing victim?". This is one question I believe, when answered truthfully, can shed a lot of light into how you are communicating with your spouse. I suggest following the advice from RS General President Linda K. Burton below:

If you try and incorporate these tips into your communication patterns with your spouse, I know that your marriage can be strengthened. To offer one last piece of advice, in addition to applying these tips, I suggest praying to your Heavenly Father for specific guidance on communication in your marriage. God want's to help your marriage, and all you need to do is ask! Understand that to improve communication with your spouse it will take time and effort! Don't get discouraged; it will all be worth it! For more great advice, check out "Speak, Listen, and Love" from the Liahona.

Hobbies and Marriage: Do they work together?

Married life is absolutely wonderful, but staring lovingly into one another eyes is only fun for so long. I've found, since my husband and I now have more time to spend together, we find ourselves being bored and longing for something to do. Having hobbies in marriage is important! Here are a few things that I have learned about hobbies since getting married.

1. You can keep your hobbies you enjoyed before marriage.

I had a misconception about this coming into marriage. I knew that I could, and would, have time to myself, but I didn't know to what extent I could enjoy my hobbies. I've learned that when I want to do my hobbies, my husband can do his. Just because you have more time to spend together, doesn't mean that you can't spend time apart. (See my blog post about time HERE) 

Your hobbies don't need to be the same as your spouse's. At the beginning of my marriage, I felt bad that my hobbies were so different than Kyle's, but I am learning that it's okay that we still enjoy our individual hobbies. We can appreciate our spouses' hobbies while not being in love with what they are doing. 

Random Awesome Stories: There is great article about some hidden talents some of the modern day prophets have that might surprise you. Did you know that President Thomas S. Monson raised pigeons as a child? For more check it out HERE. I bet that President Monson's wife didn't raise pigeons with him, but she probably supported his hobbies and interests. 

2. Finding common interests can help your marriage grow.

My husband and I are so different. What are hobbies can we do together? I've asked myself this many times. My hobbies are very different compared to my husband's. This has made it a little difficult to find hobbies that we can do together. I am learning that we both need to stretch ourselves and learn to do something completely new together. 

Tawny May wrote a great article about how learning to love her husband's interests, which happened to be snake hunting, helped them come closer together. She says, "...we are all weirdos in our own individual way. We all love different things, and there’s a reason for that."

This has made me reflect, "What are some hobbies that we can do together as a couple?" Developing common interests can be an answer to this question. By finding something new that you can both enjoy is a good place to start. Here are a few of my suggestions:

• Interior Decoration: You can work with your spouse to repaint a room, find wall art, or do simple DIY home projects. 
• Gardening: Though I don't currently have a garden, my husband and I are looking to start growing herbs in our home. Researching and then finding what plants work best for your situation can be a great hobby for any couple.
• Work out Together: This is something Kyle and I started to doing together. We go running three times a week and find it a fun and healthy way to spend time together. Plus, it helps you get an even greater body to show off to your spouse ;)
• Volunteer together: It's a great way to serve others and spend time together!

There is a whole website dedicated to hobby ideas for couples titled "Hobbies For Couples". They have all types of ideas from indoor to outdoor and unique ideas. Here are a few of my favorites that I found:

• Do puzzles together
• Genealogy work
• Take up Geocaching
• Start ballroom dancing together

If you can't figure out how to take the first step to find common interests, Greg Smalley gives great tips on how to cultivate these common interests in your marriage. Check them out HERE. 

3. Hobbies can be expensive.

http://www.favecrafts.com/

Lastly, I am learning that hobbies can be expensive. The hobbies that I like tend to be a bit more expensive, i.e. crafting! Make sure to discuss with your spouse the cost of a hobby before you start. Even though you might not have tight expenses, everyone should be conscious of where their income is being spent. Being in college and saving for grad school especially makes us consider the cost of our hobbies. What are some relatively cheap hobbies that I can do with my husband?
Well here are a few of my ideas:

• Read a book together: and this can be free if you find one at the library!
• Go hiking: but beware of state and national park fees. 
• Become an expert at card or board games: this is also one that can involve other couples too!
• Learn a language together:or in my situation have my husband teach me Italian.

Sheri Hosale also gives 25 tips for budget-minded couples. Here are a few of my favorites:

• Join or view Community Theatre
• Take a cooking class together
• Take up Photography
• Go camping

Lastly, hobbies can help you and your spouse better spend time together and apart. By starting a new hobby with your spouse you can learn many new things about one another. Exploring my own hobbies and cultivating new ones with my spouse have been a blessing. 

If you have any great hobbies that you enjoy and would like to share, comment below so we can all learn from each other. Thanks for reading and be sure to look at my other posts for advice from a newlywed. 

Love, Dating, and Flirting

Oneness in Marriage

I am dating while being married. Even though I am married, I am still dating my spouse. I also flirt with him too! In light of the upcoming Valentines day, I wanted to share my thoughts about love, dating, and flirting with your spouse.

1. Show Love           Daily

And yes, I mean daily. This may sound obvious, but life gets busy. Time flies by, work gets harder, and kids come into the picture. Showing love to your spouse becomes harder, but is essential to keeping alive that love that was blooming at the first of your marriage. When I first got married, life was pretty easy (partially because it was the end of summer break). When school started, life definitely got busier, and it seems that the longer I am married the busier it gets. I like to take a few moments of each day to let my husband know how I feel about him and my gratitude for him. It's not easy, but I know that if I don't do these things now our love will wilt away. 

It is important to take time to express love to your spouse. This doesn't need to be a grand gesture with a marching band and exhaust writing from a plane. The small things and gestures are sometimes the most effective. There are many ways to show your spouse how much you love and care for them. Here are a few ideas:

a.     Tell them "I Love You"
b.     Leave them a note sharing your love
c.     Kiss them spontaneously
d.     Serve them
e.     Initiate intimacy
f.      Pray for your spouse with your spouse
g.     Take them on a date
h.     Flirt with them
i.      Treat them to a great night out

These are just a few that I have tried, but the list could go on forever. To find more suggestions, check out an additional 50 ideas here. Also, below is a video from the Mormon Channel with advice from a few couples discussing the ways that they express love to one another.

2. Date your Spouse

Once you get married, keep dating! Just because you are no longer in the game of pursuing an eternal companion, does not mean that your relationship can just coast along. Dating is how your love for one another began, and it is the same in marriage to keep it growing. Dating is a chance to spend quality time with your spouse. It gives you, as a couple, the chance to get to know each other even deeper. I have learned many new things about my husband when we are able to go and do something new together. It fosters great conversations and creates lasting memories.

Dates don't have to cost a lot or take a lot of time. My husband and I have had dates where we clean the house and reward ourselves with Costa Vida or Panda Express (which are our all-time favorite restaurants). Our dates can be a trip to Walmart or a walk around the block. Dates are what you and your spouse make of them. Find out what Nurturing Marriage says on why you should still ask your spouse out on dates here. 

Dates can be planned or spontaneous. Trying to figure out new and fun date ideas can be difficult, but The Dating Divas have so many great ideas for any type of date. From occasions to themes, they have it all. To check them out, go to their website here or their Pinterest page here. 

"Husbands and wives who no longer laugh and play together are losing their fondness for each other and perhaps even their capacity to stay together. True love includes a joyful, almost childlike quality." - Hugh W. Pinnock

3. Flirting isn't just for Single people

You flirt to get someone's attention, right? Even though you are married, at times you still need to get the attention of your spouse. Flirting can be a great way to show your spouse your love for them. It makes your spouse feel pursued and desired, even though they have already been 'caught'. This is a great way to keep that spark alive that you felt before you were married. 
Here are a few ideas on how to flirt with your spouse:

a.     Send a cute text about how you feel
b.     Wink from across the room
d.     Play footsies (in a public place)
e.     Plant a spontaneous kiss on their lips
f.      Send a flirty pic of yourself to them
g.     Take advantage of a red stop light
h.     Write a cute message on the mirror/shower
i.      Make a bet with kisses as the reward
j.      Create sexy pet names for each other

If you have any other suggestions be sure to comment below.

Marriage is hard work. By following these three pieces of advice, your relationship 'flower' can stay in full bloom and grow even more beautiful. This Valentines Day, or every day really, show your spouse how much you love and appreciate them through the small and simple gestures listed above. 

They are In-laws not Out-laws

I've heard many times, you don't just marry your spouse, but their entire family as well. Dealing with the in-laws is not something you are trained for before you get married. An amazing address from Richard B. Millar titled "For Newlyweds and Their Parents" has amazing advice about in-laws and marriage which sparked this blog post.

I have had great luck with my in-laws. Kyle brought me home many times and I practically lived at his parent's home the summer before we got married. I was able to develop a good connection with my, then, future in-laws. These three tips are what I feel are some of the most important things I have learned about in-laws and how to deal with them.

1. Establish Boundaries

Photo Cred: Charissa Lee Photography

 (Read Quote) This refers to your husband as well. You may wonder: How does this apply to in-laws? Well the scripture specifically says none else, and this can be interpreted as your parents and in-laws. President Spencer W. Kimball in an address said, "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."

Move out! The best chance you have to establishing your boundaries from your parents and in-laws is by separating yourselves geographically. Luckily, for Kyle and I, we live 150 miles away from his parents and 300 miles away from mine. After our honeymoon we didn't go see family until we had been married for a three months. This time was important for us to establish our relationship as a married couple and not have parents tell us what to do. It's important to stick together. 

You are married to your spouse not their parents, siblings, or grandparents. It's important to talk to your spouse about both your families and come to a consensus on what is permissible to talk about with them and how often you expect to see your families. 

2. Its okay that they are different

Now this is a tip that I struggle with. It is hard for me not to compare my family with my husband's. I am an only child of divorced parents and have a couple of half-siblings that are significantly older than I am. Kyle has a nuclear family with married parents and five siblings. I have struggled with feeling insecure about my family because I compare it to Kyle's. I read a quote that says, "Jealousy is when you count someone else's blessings instead of your own." Your family is the way God intended or allowed it to be. I love my family and I love that we are different. Its what makes me unique and has helped be grow and become the person I am today. Instead of looking for how your spouse's family does it 'wrong' or not the way your family does it, embrace the difference. Coming to terms that they are different from your family is one huge step in helping you see them as part of your new family. 

3. They are family, treat them like it

Marriage is the union of two people AND two families. I think that when you look at them as "his family" or "her family" it doesn't honor what marriage is meant to be. Yes, Kyle and I reference our families as "your family" and "my family" just to keep them straight, but I recognize that they are all my family. This is not something that magically happens over night. Once you get married, you may not feel part of your spouse's family. Have you heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it"? Try this! I didn't feel super close to my in-laws at first, but once we got engaged, I worked on this. I felt like an impostor in their family, but it has gotten much better and I feel more of a part of their family now. 

'Monster'-in-laws do exist. I don't deny that it can be hard to love your in-laws. This is where I suggest you turn to Christ. Treat your in-laws like he would. Pray for them and 'kill them with kindness'. It's been said that the way you treat others says more about you than it does them. I don't have a lot of advice for this because my in-laws are pretty great, so check out the links below. 

• The Better Mom gives 7 tips for getting along with your in-laws here. 
• All Women Stalk have 7 tips here.
• Thrive gives 4 tips here. 
• Nurturing Marriage gives these 5 tips here.

Your in-laws aren't going to magically disappear (unless you kill them, which wouldn't be the best idea). Learning to love them can make a world of difference in your marriage. If you have any tips on how you have learned to love your in-laws or have any crazy stories, comment below!

My Introduction and Reasonings

Welcome to my Blog! 

My name is Rhylie Anderson and I am 19 years old. I am married to the most amazing man and we have been married now a little over 5 months. We were married in the LDS Payson Utah Temple on August 7th, 2015. I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I hold my faith very dear to my heart.

Here is a little backstory of my relationship with my husband. I started dating my husband Kyle a little over a month after moving away to college. Kyle had returned from serving a LDS mission in Italy the previous summer and was starting his first year of college when we met. We met at the LDS institute near our university but didn’t really talk to each other until a homecoming event on the Friday of that week. We immediately clicked and started dating within a week after our first encounter. We dated our whole first year of college and got engaged the following May. We dated for 8 ½ months before we got engaged.

Dating wasn’t easy, we did have differing opinions and trials but we determined that our relationship was special and we wanted to be together forever.  I went into marriage with many different expectations, and within a month many of those had to be dealt with and thrown out. Since dating wasn’t the easiest I am still baffled that I had the impression that marriage was going to be a walk in the park. My husband and I have been through many trials in our first months of marriage but because of those things I feel I am a far greater person now than I was even at the beginning of our marriage. I understand how incredibly blessed I am to have found my eternal companion so early in my life. Many people would say that I didn’t live enough of my life to figure out who I am yet or that I am “leaving the party early” but to start living my life with my best friend by my side every step of the way brings me the most happiness.

This blog will be about my experiences in this young marriage and the things that I have already learned (or been made aware of) about being a married couple. I will be using personal experiences and thoughts and advice from other outside sources. I hope to help those who are dating, newly married, and those who have been married quite a while understand how they can improve their relationship with their spouse or significant other and come closer to perfection through Jesus Christ.

I'll leave you with this quote that describes how I feel about my husband perfectly.

-Rhylie

Source: freefoodphotos.com