Simple Conflict Resolution Tips for Marriage

Learning how to successfully resolve conflict in marriage, or in any relationship, is absolutely essential. As humans, we are all different. I know, crazy right? These differences can cause occasional conflict. Or like I mentioned in my last post, when miscommunication happens it can lead to conflict if we are not careful. There are many tips on how to resolve conflict, and I am learning a few things in this first year of marriage about what conflict resolution tools work well. Below are a few tips that actually work well in marriage, and any relationship. 

1. Stop, Drop and Roll. 

How does this apply to marriage? By following these steps when conflict arise it can have a less damaging impact on your relationship. Hub Pages gives a simple explanation in the picture above. First, stopping involves you becoming aware that you are in a position of distress in the first place. To diffuse an argument you must first stop reacting and getting upset. Second, dropping your anger allows resolution to begin. This also helps with forgiveness later. Lastly, roll along and don't allow the conflict to linger longer than it needs to be. If you follow these steps when conflict is beginning to start it wont have as damaging of an impact. For a simple easy conflict resolution just remember Stop, Drop and Roll. 

2. If you fight, fight fair. 

If you are going to fight, remember to fight fair. You wouldn't like it if in the championship game your opponent gets an unfair advantage, so why would you do this in your marriage? But, what are the rules to fighting fair? Here are 10 from #staymarried (see infographic to the right). Some that I like are no interrupting, no generalizations, and no yelling. I believe that you shouldn't break these 10 rules in your arguments with your spouse because it opens the door for more hurt feelings and grudges. I feel that these rules don't just apply to a marriage relationship, but any and every relationship. Remember to apply these rules to your marriage only as far as they are applicable. I think it is important to discuss with your spouse what rules you want to apply. The Therapist Aid also has a list of more rules to fair fighting that I believe can help your marriage. One of their rules is to only discuss one issue at a time. They say that once you get off topic it can become two issues that need resolving and not just one. If you follow the rules to fair fighting in your relationship, your arguments will be less damaging and more constructive. 

3. Don't bring up unnecessary points.

This kind of goes with the first two, but I feel this is absolutely essential to productive conflict resolution. Allison from Pint Sized Treasures in discussing productive conflict resolution repeats the age-old phrase, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." There are many harsh things that can be said in anger. A small disagreement can turn into a destructive argument when harsh words are spoken. This can decrease the trust in your marriage. Faithreel gives 5 great easy ways to diffuse an argument and number three is "don't retaliate, instead hesitate." Don't bring up past arguments, or threaten any type of abuse. How much more productive can conversations with your spouse be if you follow this simple piece of advice? In my marriage, we've made a list of words or phrases that we will not say during an argument. We have agreed that we will never talk about divorce or even joke about it. Our marriage is eternal, and to talk as if it is not is being unappreciative of the gift that God has given us. Determine in your marriage what you won't talk about during arguments or what words to not use. By applying this step in your conflict resolution, it can decrease the opportunity to get even more upset. I believe that this tip can drastically improve your ability to resolve conflict in your marriage. 

4. Have hope. 

I know this isn't a tip to resolve conflict, but I feel it is important to mention. Know that all relationships will face conflict, but successful ones know how to get through these conflicts and come out on top even better. If every argument isn't resolved perfectly, it's okay! As long as over time you and your spouse are working together as a team to rationally and successfully resolve the conflict in your marriage, you are doing something right! As you pray to God for help to decrease your anger and increase your strength to follow these guidelines, I know that you can and will receive heavenly help! 

I know that if you follow these simple pieces of advice, the way you resolve conflict in your relationship will improve. I encourage you to discuss these tips with your spouse and come up with your list of fair fighting rules. Remember, conflict will happen; the important part is how you learn and grow from it. I encourage you to practice effective conflict resolutions so that your marriage can withstand the trials and test's of life together!

How does Social Media affect my Marriage?

Recently, I have pondered how social media and spending a lot of time affects my marriage. I contemplated how it can detract and add to my marriage. I've done a lot of research this week finding the best articles to share with you, and I hope you enjoy. These tips aren't just for those who are married, engaged, or dating, but for anyone and everyone of all ages! These three tips below, I believe, can have a great impact on all of your relationship's, especially your marriage. 

1. Beware of Digital Infidelity

What is Digital Infidelity? Focus on the Family defines it, "when people use social media and other electronic communication to cross marital boundaries. This can take the form of suggestive chatting or picture messaging, or when you emotionally bond through email with someone other than your spouse." This is one of the new poisonous effects of social media on modern marriages. Many people friend an old crush, and catching-up messages turn into long chats and emotional conversations. These start out seeming so innocent, but can quickly turn into something serious. Below are a few tips that can help us keep faithful to our spouses while online.

1. Don't even tempt yourself - don't friend or follow any past crushes or exes.
2. Talk about your spouse - One way to ward off potentially flirtatious messaging is to talk about your spouse in the conversation. You and the person you are chatting with will be able to see how committed you are. 
3. Allow your spouse access to your social media accounts - Yes, just like my mom did when I was in high school. By giving your spouse access, you are less likely to do something wrong. 
4. Continue to check yourself - Ask questions like "is this an appropriate relationship?", "Would I feel comfortable if my spouse were next to me?", and "Would God approve of this?".
5. Keep your spouse your priority - Make sure that your spouse is still your #1, and don't allow the drama of the past distract you. 

"Prophets teach that successful marriage partners are “fiercely loyal” to each other. They keep their social media use fully worthy in every way. They permit themselves no secret Internet experiences. ...They never do or say anything that approaches the appearance of impropriety, either virtually or physically." -L. Whitney Clayton

2. Don't let yourself become distracted by your technology!

This can hurt your marriage significantly. If your spouse feels that your technology and social media is more important than they are, it can decrease the trust in your marriage. Ryan Frederick of Fierce Marriage gives this great wisdom, "Life is short, quality time is scarce. That thing that distracts you will likely be forgotten before the week ends. The quality time you spend with your spouse will bear fruit for a lifetime." I agree with this completely. I struggle with spending too much time on my phone at times. I try to overcome this tendency by having my husband remind me of my goal to be on social media less. I have also tried setting a timer for how long I can be on my phone. By implementing these two ideas, I've improved little by little. Nurturing Marriage addresses 7 ways your phone is destroying your marriage. They mention that our phones are the first object we grab for in the morning and the last object we touch at night. Remember, marriage is between you and your spouse, not your phone. I absolutely love this video below and it's messages about living in the present and not in an online reality. If we applied these principles to our own marriages, we would grow closer together and not be influenced by our phone.

3. Don't compare your marriage or yourself to another's 'perfect' life.

This is an action that I personally struggle with. Many hours have been spent comparing my marriage or engagement to those I see on Instagram and Facebook. I think that this quote below is how we all should look at others on social media.

I think it is so important to not compare our marriage to those of others. There are many times scrolling through Facebook, seeing engagement announcements, wedding pictures, and baby announcements, that I start to compare myself to others. This only brings pain and jealousy. Fierce Marriage gives a great quote, "Social media allows us to show pieces of our lives – and only the ones we choose to show, which are often just the greatest pieces and moments. This is not a bad thing; however, the trouble begins when we start perceiving these as reality and not simply as beautiful moments in time." I absolutely love this. You need to cherish the moments in your own life and not become jealous of the cherished moments of others. We need to be continually asking, "Where does my validation come from?" I have learned that when I ask myself this, I am less likely to care how many likes my Instagram post gets. 

I've also learned that I need to beware of the reasons why I post something on one of my social media accounts. When I post a picture to document and share with family, I am less likely to care how many likes I get! We need to make sure that we are not posting because we want to show off, because it opens up the possibility for others to compare. 



I am not saying that you should delete all of your social media platforms, but beware of the potentially negative effects it can have on your marriage. Social Media can be a great tool to connect with friends and family if we use it for the right reasons. I know that if you take this advice your relationship with your spouse can be strengthened. For more questions to keep yourself in check, go check out LDS Living's Eight Questions to Help You Consider the Impact of Social Media on Your Marriage. If you have any other tips to help keep yourself in check, be sure to comment below!

Forgiving: The Most Important Quality

I have learned within the few short months of being married the truth of the title of this post. Forgiveness is one of the most important (and probably the most occurring) action we take in marriage. I read this article on "Nurturing Marriage" and it made me think about how forgiveness has had an impact on my marriage. Here a few tips on how in your marriage, or any relationship, you can improve forgiveness.

1. Don't focus on the little annoyances and shortcomings

Your spouse and you are different people, this isn't a new concept, I hope. Once you get married it seems that all of the little things that were simple annoyances now seem like big roadblocks. It can be a huge downfall when we hold onto this frustration and occasionally anger, because it blocks the trust within your relationship. There is a wise quote that says:

We are not perfect people, and we are not meant to become such in this life. I have learned that these little "issues" are what make my husband and I different, and that's the way it should be. It is important to always focus on what you love about your spouse and not what you hate or dislike about them. I may not be perfect with this concept but I am working on it, and that's what really counts. 

"We all have our weaknesses and failings. Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it. Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him. What good does it do? Is not forgiveness better? Is not charity better? Is not love better?" -Joseph F. Smith

2. Sincere apologies and forgiveness are the most beneficial

In my last post I mentioned the 5 love languages, and now I bring to light the Apology Languages. These are ways in which a person wants, asks for, and likes receiving forgiveness. To find out what your language is click here. 

Sincere and explanatory apologies are essential because they help your spouse understand what you feel went wrong. I tend to say "I'm sorry" for every little thing. Kyle has encouraged me to explain what I feel I did wrong, and most times there really isn't a problem. Being specific allows for more growth between partners, because it is more than a simple exchange of words. It is chance to better understand one another. Tip: It is helpful if your apology doesn't simply include "I'm sorry" but also asks for forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't one sided. It is both asking and giving. It requires both partners. 

Michelle of #staymarried gives a few great tips for the best apology, check it out here.

3. Asking forgiveness implies change

To ask for forgiveness isn't just accepting blame but accepting that you are going to improve. This quality makes giving forgiveness 10x easier. There are going to be things that you need to improve, its human nature. Something that I have a problem with is interrupting Kyle with really random thoughts when he is in the middle of discussing something. Now, this has been something that I continue to ask forgiveness for, but I am always trying to work on it. I feel that I don't fully receive forgiveness by simply saying "I'm sorry" but through working on what I have done wrong. Just asking for forgiveness from your spouse doesn't necessarily mean that we will receive it, unless its coupled with a true change of heart. This directly applies to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He is willing and ready to give forgiveness as long as we have a change of heart and work on improving. 

"To every forgiveness there is a condition. The plaster must be as wide as the sore. " - Spencer W. Kimball

4. Forgiveness fosters trust and peace

In the first few months of being married to my husband, I began to learn the truth of this statement. I read a quote that once said, "Apologizing doesn't always mean you're wrong, and the other person is right. It means you value your relationship more than your ego!" By giving and seeking forgiveness it shows that you are humble enough to accept the faults of your spouse and you. Being humble and willing to work with your spouse can bring such peace of mind. This shows your spouse that you want your relationship to last.

The YouTube channel Soul Pancake produced this video about the positive effects of forgiveness. I think these effects directly apply to a marriage relationship:

Both seeking and giving forgiveness are extremely important. Through sincere forgiveness and a true desire to change, any marriage can last through thick and thin.

For more resources about forgiveness and the LDS Church's thoughts on it check these links below:
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage
The Miracle of Forgiveness