Simple Conflict Resolution Tips for Marriage

Learning how to successfully resolve conflict in marriage, or in any relationship, is absolutely essential. As humans, we are all different. I know, crazy right? These differences can cause occasional conflict. Or like I mentioned in my last post, when miscommunication happens it can lead to conflict if we are not careful. There are many tips on how to resolve conflict, and I am learning a few things in this first year of marriage about what conflict resolution tools work well. Below are a few tips that actually work well in marriage, and any relationship. 

1. Stop, Drop and Roll. 

How does this apply to marriage? By following these steps when conflict arise it can have a less damaging impact on your relationship. Hub Pages gives a simple explanation in the picture above. First, stopping involves you becoming aware that you are in a position of distress in the first place. To diffuse an argument you must first stop reacting and getting upset. Second, dropping your anger allows resolution to begin. This also helps with forgiveness later. Lastly, roll along and don't allow the conflict to linger longer than it needs to be. If you follow these steps when conflict is beginning to start it wont have as damaging of an impact. For a simple easy conflict resolution just remember Stop, Drop and Roll. 

2. If you fight, fight fair. 

If you are going to fight, remember to fight fair. You wouldn't like it if in the championship game your opponent gets an unfair advantage, so why would you do this in your marriage? But, what are the rules to fighting fair? Here are 10 from #staymarried (see infographic to the right). Some that I like are no interrupting, no generalizations, and no yelling. I believe that you shouldn't break these 10 rules in your arguments with your spouse because it opens the door for more hurt feelings and grudges. I feel that these rules don't just apply to a marriage relationship, but any and every relationship. Remember to apply these rules to your marriage only as far as they are applicable. I think it is important to discuss with your spouse what rules you want to apply. The Therapist Aid also has a list of more rules to fair fighting that I believe can help your marriage. One of their rules is to only discuss one issue at a time. They say that once you get off topic it can become two issues that need resolving and not just one. If you follow the rules to fair fighting in your relationship, your arguments will be less damaging and more constructive. 

3. Don't bring up unnecessary points.

This kind of goes with the first two, but I feel this is absolutely essential to productive conflict resolution. Allison from Pint Sized Treasures in discussing productive conflict resolution repeats the age-old phrase, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." There are many harsh things that can be said in anger. A small disagreement can turn into a destructive argument when harsh words are spoken. This can decrease the trust in your marriage. Faithreel gives 5 great easy ways to diffuse an argument and number three is "don't retaliate, instead hesitate." Don't bring up past arguments, or threaten any type of abuse. How much more productive can conversations with your spouse be if you follow this simple piece of advice? In my marriage, we've made a list of words or phrases that we will not say during an argument. We have agreed that we will never talk about divorce or even joke about it. Our marriage is eternal, and to talk as if it is not is being unappreciative of the gift that God has given us. Determine in your marriage what you won't talk about during arguments or what words to not use. By applying this step in your conflict resolution, it can decrease the opportunity to get even more upset. I believe that this tip can drastically improve your ability to resolve conflict in your marriage. 

4. Have hope. 

I know this isn't a tip to resolve conflict, but I feel it is important to mention. Know that all relationships will face conflict, but successful ones know how to get through these conflicts and come out on top even better. If every argument isn't resolved perfectly, it's okay! As long as over time you and your spouse are working together as a team to rationally and successfully resolve the conflict in your marriage, you are doing something right! As you pray to God for help to decrease your anger and increase your strength to follow these guidelines, I know that you can and will receive heavenly help! 

I know that if you follow these simple pieces of advice, the way you resolve conflict in your relationship will improve. I encourage you to discuss these tips with your spouse and come up with your list of fair fighting rules. Remember, conflict will happen; the important part is how you learn and grow from it. I encourage you to practice effective conflict resolutions so that your marriage can withstand the trials and test's of life together!

They are In-laws not Out-laws

I've heard many times, you don't just marry your spouse, but their entire family as well. Dealing with the in-laws is not something you are trained for before you get married. An amazing address from Richard B. Millar titled "For Newlyweds and Their Parents" has amazing advice about in-laws and marriage which sparked this blog post.

I have had great luck with my in-laws. Kyle brought me home many times and I practically lived at his parent's home the summer before we got married. I was able to develop a good connection with my, then, future in-laws. These three tips are what I feel are some of the most important things I have learned about in-laws and how to deal with them.

1. Establish Boundaries

Photo Cred: Charissa Lee Photography

 (Read Quote) This refers to your husband as well. You may wonder: How does this apply to in-laws? Well the scripture specifically says none else, and this can be interpreted as your parents and in-laws. President Spencer W. Kimball in an address said, "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."

Move out! The best chance you have to establishing your boundaries from your parents and in-laws is by separating yourselves geographically. Luckily, for Kyle and I, we live 150 miles away from his parents and 300 miles away from mine. After our honeymoon we didn't go see family until we had been married for a three months. This time was important for us to establish our relationship as a married couple and not have parents tell us what to do. It's important to stick together. 

You are married to your spouse not their parents, siblings, or grandparents. It's important to talk to your spouse about both your families and come to a consensus on what is permissible to talk about with them and how often you expect to see your families. 

2. Its okay that they are different

Now this is a tip that I struggle with. It is hard for me not to compare my family with my husband's. I am an only child of divorced parents and have a couple of half-siblings that are significantly older than I am. Kyle has a nuclear family with married parents and five siblings. I have struggled with feeling insecure about my family because I compare it to Kyle's. I read a quote that says, "Jealousy is when you count someone else's blessings instead of your own." Your family is the way God intended or allowed it to be. I love my family and I love that we are different. Its what makes me unique and has helped be grow and become the person I am today. Instead of looking for how your spouse's family does it 'wrong' or not the way your family does it, embrace the difference. Coming to terms that they are different from your family is one huge step in helping you see them as part of your new family. 

3. They are family, treat them like it

Marriage is the union of two people AND two families. I think that when you look at them as "his family" or "her family" it doesn't honor what marriage is meant to be. Yes, Kyle and I reference our families as "your family" and "my family" just to keep them straight, but I recognize that they are all my family. This is not something that magically happens over night. Once you get married, you may not feel part of your spouse's family. Have you heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it"? Try this! I didn't feel super close to my in-laws at first, but once we got engaged, I worked on this. I felt like an impostor in their family, but it has gotten much better and I feel more of a part of their family now. 

'Monster'-in-laws do exist. I don't deny that it can be hard to love your in-laws. This is where I suggest you turn to Christ. Treat your in-laws like he would. Pray for them and 'kill them with kindness'. It's been said that the way you treat others says more about you than it does them. I don't have a lot of advice for this because my in-laws are pretty great, so check out the links below. 

• The Better Mom gives 7 tips for getting along with your in-laws here. 
• All Women Stalk have 7 tips here.
• Thrive gives 4 tips here. 
• Nurturing Marriage gives these 5 tips here.

Your in-laws aren't going to magically disappear (unless you kill them, which wouldn't be the best idea). Learning to love them can make a world of difference in your marriage. If you have any tips on how you have learned to love your in-laws or have any crazy stories, comment below!