They are In-laws not Out-laws

I've heard many times, you don't just marry your spouse, but their entire family as well. Dealing with the in-laws is not something you are trained for before you get married. An amazing address from Richard B. Millar titled "For Newlyweds and Their Parents" has amazing advice about in-laws and marriage which sparked this blog post.

I have had great luck with my in-laws. Kyle brought me home many times and I practically lived at his parent's home the summer before we got married. I was able to develop a good connection with my, then, future in-laws. These three tips are what I feel are some of the most important things I have learned about in-laws and how to deal with them.

1. Establish Boundaries

Photo Cred: Charissa Lee Photography

 (Read Quote) This refers to your husband as well. You may wonder: How does this apply to in-laws? Well the scripture specifically says none else, and this can be interpreted as your parents and in-laws. President Spencer W. Kimball in an address said, "Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others."

Move out! The best chance you have to establishing your boundaries from your parents and in-laws is by separating yourselves geographically. Luckily, for Kyle and I, we live 150 miles away from his parents and 300 miles away from mine. After our honeymoon we didn't go see family until we had been married for a three months. This time was important for us to establish our relationship as a married couple and not have parents tell us what to do. It's important to stick together. 

You are married to your spouse not their parents, siblings, or grandparents. It's important to talk to your spouse about both your families and come to a consensus on what is permissible to talk about with them and how often you expect to see your families. 

2. Its okay that they are different

Now this is a tip that I struggle with. It is hard for me not to compare my family with my husband's. I am an only child of divorced parents and have a couple of half-siblings that are significantly older than I am. Kyle has a nuclear family with married parents and five siblings. I have struggled with feeling insecure about my family because I compare it to Kyle's. I read a quote that says, "Jealousy is when you count someone else's blessings instead of your own." Your family is the way God intended or allowed it to be. I love my family and I love that we are different. Its what makes me unique and has helped be grow and become the person I am today. Instead of looking for how your spouse's family does it 'wrong' or not the way your family does it, embrace the difference. Coming to terms that they are different from your family is one huge step in helping you see them as part of your new family. 

3. They are family, treat them like it

Marriage is the union of two people AND two families. I think that when you look at them as "his family" or "her family" it doesn't honor what marriage is meant to be. Yes, Kyle and I reference our families as "your family" and "my family" just to keep them straight, but I recognize that they are all my family. This is not something that magically happens over night. Once you get married, you may not feel part of your spouse's family. Have you heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it"? Try this! I didn't feel super close to my in-laws at first, but once we got engaged, I worked on this. I felt like an impostor in their family, but it has gotten much better and I feel more of a part of their family now. 

'Monster'-in-laws do exist. I don't deny that it can be hard to love your in-laws. This is where I suggest you turn to Christ. Treat your in-laws like he would. Pray for them and 'kill them with kindness'. It's been said that the way you treat others says more about you than it does them. I don't have a lot of advice for this because my in-laws are pretty great, so check out the links below. 

• The Better Mom gives 7 tips for getting along with your in-laws here. 
• All Women Stalk have 7 tips here.
• Thrive gives 4 tips here. 
• Nurturing Marriage gives these 5 tips here.

Your in-laws aren't going to magically disappear (unless you kill them, which wouldn't be the best idea). Learning to love them can make a world of difference in your marriage. If you have any tips on how you have learned to love your in-laws or have any crazy stories, comment below!