Simple Conflict Resolution Tips for Marriage

Learning how to successfully resolve conflict in marriage, or in any relationship, is absolutely essential. As humans, we are all different. I know, crazy right? These differences can cause occasional conflict. Or like I mentioned in my last post, when miscommunication happens it can lead to conflict if we are not careful. There are many tips on how to resolve conflict, and I am learning a few things in this first year of marriage about what conflict resolution tools work well. Below are a few tips that actually work well in marriage, and any relationship. 

1. Stop, Drop and Roll. 

How does this apply to marriage? By following these steps when conflict arise it can have a less damaging impact on your relationship. Hub Pages gives a simple explanation in the picture above. First, stopping involves you becoming aware that you are in a position of distress in the first place. To diffuse an argument you must first stop reacting and getting upset. Second, dropping your anger allows resolution to begin. This also helps with forgiveness later. Lastly, roll along and don't allow the conflict to linger longer than it needs to be. If you follow these steps when conflict is beginning to start it wont have as damaging of an impact. For a simple easy conflict resolution just remember Stop, Drop and Roll. 

2. If you fight, fight fair. 

If you are going to fight, remember to fight fair. You wouldn't like it if in the championship game your opponent gets an unfair advantage, so why would you do this in your marriage? But, what are the rules to fighting fair? Here are 10 from #staymarried (see infographic to the right). Some that I like are no interrupting, no generalizations, and no yelling. I believe that you shouldn't break these 10 rules in your arguments with your spouse because it opens the door for more hurt feelings and grudges. I feel that these rules don't just apply to a marriage relationship, but any and every relationship. Remember to apply these rules to your marriage only as far as they are applicable. I think it is important to discuss with your spouse what rules you want to apply. The Therapist Aid also has a list of more rules to fair fighting that I believe can help your marriage. One of their rules is to only discuss one issue at a time. They say that once you get off topic it can become two issues that need resolving and not just one. If you follow the rules to fair fighting in your relationship, your arguments will be less damaging and more constructive. 

3. Don't bring up unnecessary points.

This kind of goes with the first two, but I feel this is absolutely essential to productive conflict resolution. Allison from Pint Sized Treasures in discussing productive conflict resolution repeats the age-old phrase, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." There are many harsh things that can be said in anger. A small disagreement can turn into a destructive argument when harsh words are spoken. This can decrease the trust in your marriage. Faithreel gives 5 great easy ways to diffuse an argument and number three is "don't retaliate, instead hesitate." Don't bring up past arguments, or threaten any type of abuse. How much more productive can conversations with your spouse be if you follow this simple piece of advice? In my marriage, we've made a list of words or phrases that we will not say during an argument. We have agreed that we will never talk about divorce or even joke about it. Our marriage is eternal, and to talk as if it is not is being unappreciative of the gift that God has given us. Determine in your marriage what you won't talk about during arguments or what words to not use. By applying this step in your conflict resolution, it can decrease the opportunity to get even more upset. I believe that this tip can drastically improve your ability to resolve conflict in your marriage. 

4. Have hope. 

I know this isn't a tip to resolve conflict, but I feel it is important to mention. Know that all relationships will face conflict, but successful ones know how to get through these conflicts and come out on top even better. If every argument isn't resolved perfectly, it's okay! As long as over time you and your spouse are working together as a team to rationally and successfully resolve the conflict in your marriage, you are doing something right! As you pray to God for help to decrease your anger and increase your strength to follow these guidelines, I know that you can and will receive heavenly help! 

I know that if you follow these simple pieces of advice, the way you resolve conflict in your relationship will improve. I encourage you to discuss these tips with your spouse and come up with your list of fair fighting rules. Remember, conflict will happen; the important part is how you learn and grow from it. I encourage you to practice effective conflict resolutions so that your marriage can withstand the trials and test's of life together!

What Gospel Actions Strengthen my Marriage the Most?

In search to strengthen the bonds of my marriage, I found this article recently with a list of things that happily married couples do, and I found it very enlightening. It made me ponder and make a mental note of what gospel actions have had the biggest impact on my marriage so far. Every aspect of gospel living has had an impact on my marriage, but the three below are the one's that I feel have strengthened my marriage the most. 

1. Family Prayers

What benefits come from praying as a couple? I know, without a doubt in my mind, that as my husband and I kneel in prayer together, we are blessed. This is one action, when neglected, I am noticing has an impact on our marriage. I tend to be quicker to anger and we miscommunicate more often. As you pray as a couple, your individual relationship with God will strengthen and your relationship with your spouse will strengthen too. 

In the 'Marriage and Family Relations' Sunday School course, one lesson teaches how prayer strengthens a marriage. I love this thought, "You simply can't pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another." It is so true! As my husband and I pray together, we have a happier marriage and fewer conflicts arise. For more from this lesson you can find it HERE. 

I suggest praying as a couple at least once a day. Whether that be in the morning or night, make it consistent. What better way to start your day together than by conversing with the Lord as a couple? By doing this consistently, you form a habit that can lead to a life-time full of family prayers and a strong marital relationship. I know that as you and your spouse pray together everyday, your marriage will be greatly enriched. Your home will be filled with peace and your relationship with your spouse will grow.

2. Family Home Evening

“We don't have kids, should we still have Family Home Evening as a couple?” Yes, yes, yes, and yes. (For info on what FHE is click HERE). Family Home Evenings are meant for families, and are not you and your spouse a family now? Kyle and I are continually trying, though not successfully each week, to spend some time having our own FHE. I've realized that they don't need to be some spectacular event, but a simple sharing of testimonies and discussion. By spending even an hour each week discussing gospel topics, I know that your marriage is strengthened.

Again, consistency is key. We try to have it every Monday night, but sometimes with school and homework it gets pushed to another day; This is okay! At first it was hard to implement, but now after a few months of effort it has become a habit. We can still receive the benefits As long as we are actively trying to do so. (Additionally, a treat afterward can help to make it more fun.)

 “I know that having FHE as a couple is important, but what are lesson ideas for couples specifically?” Kyle and I tried figuring out a schedule of lessons (I would do the lesson one week and him the next), but it became stressful on top of all of our school work. What we've found that works best is reading gospel material, more specifically, Jesus The Christ by James E. Talmage. By just reading a chapter, it sparks a great discussion from which we can both benefit. This has been a great way to strengthen my testimony and my marriage in just one simple evening each week. Below are a few more ideas:

• Trisha from Let's Get Together gives specific FHE lesson and activity ideas for newlyweds and empty nesters you can find HERE. 
• Want a specific FHE lesson already planned? Check out LDS Daily's post designed specifically for a newlywed FHE lesson HERE.  
• Marissa, another newlywed, offers 11 FHE ideas that are simple yet fun HERE.

"We cannot afford to neglect this heaven-inspired program [family home evening]. It can bring spiritual growth to each member of the family, helping him or her to withstand the temptations which are everywhere. The lessons learned in the home are those that last the longest." -Thomas S. Monson

For testimony from Latter-Day prophets on the importance of Family Home Evenings, click HERE. 

3. Regular Temple Attendance with my spouse. 

This gospel action, for me personally, is one of my favorite things to do. I am very grateful that my husband and I were able to make covenants in the temple together. I love going to the House of the Lord where the same sacred covenants I entered into with my husband are performed each and every day. I know, that as Kyle and I continue to go to the temple together to serve, our marriage has been blessed.

As a couple, we try and attend the temple at least once a month (since we are about an hour away from a temple). It is important to figure out what works best for your marriage situation. I believe that you can never go to the temple too often. Sometimes, if there is an important decision to be made, going to the temple more often than usual can bring added blessings and guidance.

There are many blessings that have come from attending the temple of which we are unaware. I do know that as you attend the temple with your spouse, your marriage is strengthened. You can find more peace and understanding in the temple. Regular temple attendance doesn’t just bless your marriage, but also blesses you individually.

I understand that not everyone has a current temple recommend or has made all or any of the temple covenants, but I know that as you work toward those and make it a goal, you will be blessed in your efforts. For more info on LDS Temples go HERE and for more info on the covenants made therein go HERE. 

Though all aspects of gospel living have blessed my marriage, daily prayer, weekly FHE, and attending the temple together consistently, have blessed my marriage the most. I believe that your marriage should be your most cherished possession and these three actions can help you defend it against the fiery darts of the adversary.