Wednesday, March 30, 2016

How to Communicate Effectively with Your Spouse.


What a great video! No, I don't believe that this is how it always is, but it shows how the communication styles between couples can vary. Communication is key in any relationship, especially a marriage. In this first year of marriage I have thought about how my spouse and I can communicate more effectively. I am learning many things about how I communicate and my own expectations about communication. Below are three 'truths' that I feel has had a great impact on the communication patterns in my marriage. 

1. You may never understand one another perfectly.

I wasn't quite prepared for this when entering marriage. Misinterpretation and miscommunication happened very rarely when dating, but after marriage these seemed to increase. 
I love this quote (see right). When I found it for the first time it had a great impact on me. I am learning that miscommunication will always happen no matter how long we have been together. Emily Sanders gives 5 questions to ask yourself to recognize miscommunication. I am trying to ask myself these questions instead of getting offended and seek clarification before I assume wrong. Mark Merrill give tips for communicating with people with specific communication styles like Think Out Loud Luke or Lauren Solve It Steve and Sarah. The most important factor for improving marriage communication is simply understanding that you and your spouse are different people and may never get it perfectly right. 


2. Listening is as important as talking.

Now, this is one truth that I continually struggle with. The communication patterns in my marriage are the most natural when I listen just as much as I respond. I know that when I work on intently listening to my spouse, our conversations are more meaningful. 
Mike and Carlie from Fulfilling Your Vows present 6 great tips to become a better listener. I love their tip to get rid of distractions. These can be your phone, TV, or daydreaming. To give your spouse your full attention, you need to eliminate the things that will distract you. I also like their tip to not worry about what you will say next. Focus on what your spouse is saying and not about how you plan to respond. I am implementing this latter tip and it has significantly improved my listening abilities. Luckily for me, my husband became a pro listener while serving his LDS mission. I feel very validated when he responds and asks questions that are relevant to what I just said! I know that when you listen to understand and not just to reply, your communication in your marriage can improve!


3. It's not a competition.

This is one truth that didn't just immediately pop into my mind. After pondering over the best and worst conversations I have had with my spouse, I realized that when I was trying to work with my spouse and not against him, I had more productive conversations. Katie Hornor of Paradise Praises refers to this as 'Back him up!' She emphasizes the need to be a unified front with your spouse in public and especially in front of children. Even though she and her spouse may not agree, she tries to pull him aside and privately discuss it later. I think this is such a great habit to start! I believe that when you and your spouse try to focus your communication to become a unified front, you will build trust in your marriage. Elisa Puliman talks about four communication principles that have a great impact on any relationship and encourages us to ask ourselves, "Am I owning my own stuff and not blaming others or playing victim?". This is one question I believe, when answered truthfully, can shed a lot of light into how you are communicating with your spouse. I suggest following the advice from RS General President Linda K. Burton below:


If you try and incorporate these tips into your communication patterns with your spouse, I know that your marriage can be strengthened. To offer one last piece of advice, in addition to applying these tips, I suggest praying to your Heavenly Father for specific guidance on communication in your marriage. God want's to help your marriage, and all you need to do is ask! Understand that to improve communication with your spouse it will take time and effort! Don't get discouraged; it will all be worth it! For more great advice, check out "Speak, Listen, and Love" from the Liahona.

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