Marriage Lessons Learned from a Newlywed

As this semester is coming to a close I have chosen to again reflect back on the expectations and realities of being a newlywed. Getting married to my best friend was the absolute best choice I could have made in my life. I feel I've grown up so much in the last 8 1/2 months of being married to my sweetheart! Below are a few lessons that I have come to realize are tips about of married life, especially newlywed life. 

1. Laugh through life.

Previously to marriage, I had the odd expectation that I would never be embarrassed in front of my husband. Ya, not true. I still get embarrassed when I stumble on words when I read (believe me, I don't know why), even more now that I am married. I care more what my husband thinks of me than any other person, and that is okay! I've learned there is a difference between feeling embarrassed and being humiliated. 

Everyone does things that could be classified as embarrassing; it's how you and your spouse handle it that makes the difference. For me, it seems that talking or pointing out the problem is more embarrassing than the thing itself. Learn that uncomfortable and awkward situations will occur, especially in the newlywed phase, but it's how you address it that helps your relationship grow. 

It is more than okay to tease and joke with your spouse as long as they understand that there is love behind every comment. As much as I say I hate it, I love it when Kyle pokes fun at some of the silly things that I do, because it keeps our marriage light and happy. Laughing is said to be the 'best medicine', and it is so true for a marriage. Laugh everyday with your spouse because it can help the both of you combat the harsh realities and problems of adult married life.

2. Life will not be perfect tomorrow, or next week, or even next year. 

Man, is this a harsh lesson to learn. I am a perfectionist, and have been my whole life. I struggle the most with forgiving myself when I do something wrong and am my toughest critic. Like I mentioned in my social media blogpost, I struggle with not comparing my imperfect marriage to the 'perfect' marriages of my peers I see online. It seems that only my husband and I have disagreements and bad days, because I never see any other couple with these problems. In testimony meeting on Sunday, the High Counselor over our ward gave this great advice, "Your lives are not perfect now, and it's okay. As you and your spouse come closer to your Savior individually and as a couple, you will become perfected. The longer my spouse and I are together, the more perfected we are becoming." This touched me because I gained greater courage that marriage's don't start out perfect, but in the end we hope that they become such. 

This earth is a testing period where God wants us to learn and grow so we can become stronger and more faithful individuals before we meet Him again. Life is going to throw you some fastballs and curve balls, and as long as you and your spouse stand up to the plate together with the same purpose, you will be able to hit a home run and end up better than you were before. It's tough sometimes, but have hope that as you rely on God you can take those small steps toward a more perfected marriage. 

3. Just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I am wasting my life. 

I absolutely love this ecard! Any newlywed knows the truth of this statement, especially in the LDS culture! It seems that everyone in my ward and online is getting pregnant. I've also realized that it seems like everyone is getting engaged and married. I've learned that I notice baby announcements because that is what is next for me. It's hard for me not to feel left out, being, what seems like, the only newlywed that is not currently pregnant or plans to be in the near future. Newlywed Survival addresses 3 things to never ask newlyweds, and one is, "When are you going to start a family?" They mention that it's no one's business except the couple, and it's completely up to them (and I would mention God too). The decision to start having children is a decision that is influenced by many different factors, and God understands that. I have come to learn that as long as Kyle and I are preparing ourselves individually and as a couple to be great parents, we are doing righteous things. Again, just because I am not pregnant doesn't mean I am wasting my life.

These are just a few of the lessons that I have learned since becoming married, and I know there are many lessons that still need to be learned. I trust that God has a plan for me and that as I have faith in that plan I will grow and become more like him. For more throughout the week, remember to like my Facebook page, and follow me on Instagram.  

Simple Conflict Resolution Tips for Marriage

Learning how to successfully resolve conflict in marriage, or in any relationship, is absolutely essential. As humans, we are all different. I know, crazy right? These differences can cause occasional conflict. Or like I mentioned in my last post, when miscommunication happens it can lead to conflict if we are not careful. There are many tips on how to resolve conflict, and I am learning a few things in this first year of marriage about what conflict resolution tools work well. Below are a few tips that actually work well in marriage, and any relationship. 

1. Stop, Drop and Roll. 

How does this apply to marriage? By following these steps when conflict arise it can have a less damaging impact on your relationship. Hub Pages gives a simple explanation in the picture above. First, stopping involves you becoming aware that you are in a position of distress in the first place. To diffuse an argument you must first stop reacting and getting upset. Second, dropping your anger allows resolution to begin. This also helps with forgiveness later. Lastly, roll along and don't allow the conflict to linger longer than it needs to be. If you follow these steps when conflict is beginning to start it wont have as damaging of an impact. For a simple easy conflict resolution just remember Stop, Drop and Roll. 

2. If you fight, fight fair. 

If you are going to fight, remember to fight fair. You wouldn't like it if in the championship game your opponent gets an unfair advantage, so why would you do this in your marriage? But, what are the rules to fighting fair? Here are 10 from #staymarried (see infographic to the right). Some that I like are no interrupting, no generalizations, and no yelling. I believe that you shouldn't break these 10 rules in your arguments with your spouse because it opens the door for more hurt feelings and grudges. I feel that these rules don't just apply to a marriage relationship, but any and every relationship. Remember to apply these rules to your marriage only as far as they are applicable. I think it is important to discuss with your spouse what rules you want to apply. The Therapist Aid also has a list of more rules to fair fighting that I believe can help your marriage. One of their rules is to only discuss one issue at a time. They say that once you get off topic it can become two issues that need resolving and not just one. If you follow the rules to fair fighting in your relationship, your arguments will be less damaging and more constructive. 

3. Don't bring up unnecessary points.

This kind of goes with the first two, but I feel this is absolutely essential to productive conflict resolution. Allison from Pint Sized Treasures in discussing productive conflict resolution repeats the age-old phrase, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." There are many harsh things that can be said in anger. A small disagreement can turn into a destructive argument when harsh words are spoken. This can decrease the trust in your marriage. Faithreel gives 5 great easy ways to diffuse an argument and number three is "don't retaliate, instead hesitate." Don't bring up past arguments, or threaten any type of abuse. How much more productive can conversations with your spouse be if you follow this simple piece of advice? In my marriage, we've made a list of words or phrases that we will not say during an argument. We have agreed that we will never talk about divorce or even joke about it. Our marriage is eternal, and to talk as if it is not is being unappreciative of the gift that God has given us. Determine in your marriage what you won't talk about during arguments or what words to not use. By applying this step in your conflict resolution, it can decrease the opportunity to get even more upset. I believe that this tip can drastically improve your ability to resolve conflict in your marriage. 

4. Have hope. 

I know this isn't a tip to resolve conflict, but I feel it is important to mention. Know that all relationships will face conflict, but successful ones know how to get through these conflicts and come out on top even better. If every argument isn't resolved perfectly, it's okay! As long as over time you and your spouse are working together as a team to rationally and successfully resolve the conflict in your marriage, you are doing something right! As you pray to God for help to decrease your anger and increase your strength to follow these guidelines, I know that you can and will receive heavenly help! 

I know that if you follow these simple pieces of advice, the way you resolve conflict in your relationship will improve. I encourage you to discuss these tips with your spouse and come up with your list of fair fighting rules. Remember, conflict will happen; the important part is how you learn and grow from it. I encourage you to practice effective conflict resolutions so that your marriage can withstand the trials and test's of life together!

How to Communicate Effectively with Your Spouse.

What a great video! No, I don't believe that this is how it always is, but it shows how the communication styles between couples can vary. Communication is key in any relationship, especially a marriage. In this first year of marriage I have thought about how my spouse and I can communicate more effectively. I am learning many things about how I communicate and my own expectations about communication. Below are three 'truths' that I feel has had a great impact on the communication patterns in my marriage. 

1. You may never understand one another perfectly.

I wasn't quite prepared for this when entering marriage. Misinterpretation and miscommunication happened very rarely when dating, but after marriage these seemed to increase. 

I love this quote (see right). When I found it for the first time it had a great impact on me. I am learning that miscommunication will always happen no matter how long we have been together. Emily Sanders gives 5 questions to ask yourself to recognize miscommunication. I am trying to ask myself these questions instead of getting offended and seek clarification before I assume wrong. Mark Merrill give tips for communicating with people with specific communication styles like Think Out Loud Luke or Lauren Solve It Steve and Sarah. The most important factor for improving marriage communication is simply understanding that you and your spouse are different people and may never get it perfectly right. 

2. Listening is as important as talking.

Now, this is one truth that I continually struggle with. The communication patterns in my marriage are the most natural when I listen just as much as I respond. I know that when I work on intently listening to my spouse, our conversations are more meaningful. 
Mike and Carlie from Fulfilling Your Vows present 6 great tips to become a better listener. I love their tip to get rid of distractions. These can be your phone, TV, or daydreaming. To give your spouse your full attention, you need to eliminate the things that will distract you. I also like their tip to not worry about what you will say next. Focus on what your spouse is saying and not about how you plan to respond. I am implementing this latter tip and it has significantly improved my listening abilities. Luckily for me, my husband became a pro listener while serving his LDS mission. I feel very validated when he responds and asks questions that are relevant to what I just said! I know that when you listen to understand and not just to reply, your communication in your marriage can improve!

3. It's not a competition.

This is one truth that didn't just immediately pop into my mind. After pondering over the best and worst conversations I have had with my spouse, I realized that when I was trying to work with my spouse and not against him, I had more productive conversations. Katie Hornor of Paradise Praises refers to this as 'Back him up!' She emphasizes the need to be a unified front with your spouse in public and especially in front of children. Even though she and her spouse may not agree, she tries to pull him aside and privately discuss it later. I think this is such a great habit to start! I believe that when you and your spouse try to focus your communication to become a unified front, you will build trust in your marriage. Elisa Puliman talks about four communication principles that have a great impact on any relationship and encourages us to ask ourselves, "Am I owning my own stuff and not blaming others or playing victim?". This is one question I believe, when answered truthfully, can shed a lot of light into how you are communicating with your spouse. I suggest following the advice from RS General President Linda K. Burton below:

If you try and incorporate these tips into your communication patterns with your spouse, I know that your marriage can be strengthened. To offer one last piece of advice, in addition to applying these tips, I suggest praying to your Heavenly Father for specific guidance on communication in your marriage. God want's to help your marriage, and all you need to do is ask! Understand that to improve communication with your spouse it will take time and effort! Don't get discouraged; it will all be worth it! For more great advice, check out "Speak, Listen, and Love" from the Liahona.

How does Social Media affect my Marriage?

Recently, I have pondered how social media and spending a lot of time affects my marriage. I contemplated how it can detract and add to my marriage. I've done a lot of research this week finding the best articles to share with you, and I hope you enjoy. These tips aren't just for those who are married, engaged, or dating, but for anyone and everyone of all ages! These three tips below, I believe, can have a great impact on all of your relationship's, especially your marriage. 

1. Beware of Digital Infidelity

What is Digital Infidelity? Focus on the Family defines it, "when people use social media and other electronic communication to cross marital boundaries. This can take the form of suggestive chatting or picture messaging, or when you emotionally bond through email with someone other than your spouse." This is one of the new poisonous effects of social media on modern marriages. Many people friend an old crush, and catching-up messages turn into long chats and emotional conversations. These start out seeming so innocent, but can quickly turn into something serious. Below are a few tips that can help us keep faithful to our spouses while online.

1. Don't even tempt yourself - don't friend or follow any past crushes or exes.
2. Talk about your spouse - One way to ward off potentially flirtatious messaging is to talk about your spouse in the conversation. You and the person you are chatting with will be able to see how committed you are. 
3. Allow your spouse access to your social media accounts - Yes, just like my mom did when I was in high school. By giving your spouse access, you are less likely to do something wrong. 
4. Continue to check yourself - Ask questions like "is this an appropriate relationship?", "Would I feel comfortable if my spouse were next to me?", and "Would God approve of this?".
5. Keep your spouse your priority - Make sure that your spouse is still your #1, and don't allow the drama of the past distract you. 

"Prophets teach that successful marriage partners are “fiercely loyal” to each other. They keep their social media use fully worthy in every way. They permit themselves no secret Internet experiences. ...They never do or say anything that approaches the appearance of impropriety, either virtually or physically." -L. Whitney Clayton

2. Don't let yourself become distracted by your technology!

This can hurt your marriage significantly. If your spouse feels that your technology and social media is more important than they are, it can decrease the trust in your marriage. Ryan Frederick of Fierce Marriage gives this great wisdom, "Life is short, quality time is scarce. That thing that distracts you will likely be forgotten before the week ends. The quality time you spend with your spouse will bear fruit for a lifetime." I agree with this completely. I struggle with spending too much time on my phone at times. I try to overcome this tendency by having my husband remind me of my goal to be on social media less. I have also tried setting a timer for how long I can be on my phone. By implementing these two ideas, I've improved little by little. Nurturing Marriage addresses 7 ways your phone is destroying your marriage. They mention that our phones are the first object we grab for in the morning and the last object we touch at night. Remember, marriage is between you and your spouse, not your phone. I absolutely love this video below and it's messages about living in the present and not in an online reality. If we applied these principles to our own marriages, we would grow closer together and not be influenced by our phone.

3. Don't compare your marriage or yourself to another's 'perfect' life.

This is an action that I personally struggle with. Many hours have been spent comparing my marriage or engagement to those I see on Instagram and Facebook. I think that this quote below is how we all should look at others on social media.

I think it is so important to not compare our marriage to those of others. There are many times scrolling through Facebook, seeing engagement announcements, wedding pictures, and baby announcements, that I start to compare myself to others. This only brings pain and jealousy. Fierce Marriage gives a great quote, "Social media allows us to show pieces of our lives – and only the ones we choose to show, which are often just the greatest pieces and moments. This is not a bad thing; however, the trouble begins when we start perceiving these as reality and not simply as beautiful moments in time." I absolutely love this. You need to cherish the moments in your own life and not become jealous of the cherished moments of others. We need to be continually asking, "Where does my validation come from?" I have learned that when I ask myself this, I am less likely to care how many likes my Instagram post gets. 

I've also learned that I need to beware of the reasons why I post something on one of my social media accounts. When I post a picture to document and share with family, I am less likely to care how many likes I get! We need to make sure that we are not posting because we want to show off, because it opens up the possibility for others to compare. 



I am not saying that you should delete all of your social media platforms, but beware of the potentially negative effects it can have on your marriage. Social Media can be a great tool to connect with friends and family if we use it for the right reasons. I know that if you take this advice your relationship with your spouse can be strengthened. For more questions to keep yourself in check, go check out LDS Living's Eight Questions to Help You Consider the Impact of Social Media on Your Marriage. If you have any other tips to help keep yourself in check, be sure to comment below!

Combating Financial Problems in Marriage: Cheap can be Cheery

It is well known that monetary strain and money problems leads to a lot of marital conflict and is one of the leading causes of divorce. Forbes states, "Foolishly spending money is the number one financial cause for divorce." This means that this problem needs some of the most attention. The question we should be asking is, "How can my spouse and I combat financial problems together effectively?" Marvin J. Ashton's pamphlet "One for the Money: Guide to Family Finance" gives five suggestions that I recommend every couple and family implement in their lives. Below are a few that have been helpful in my marriage. 

1. Create and Stick to a Budget

This is one of the best pieces of marriage advice I received before I got married. The first place to start is to create/find a budget template. There are many budget templates online, but Kyle and I decided to create our own on an Excel sheet that is more custom to us. It is important that when you and your spouse create your budget, that your individual needs and goals are being considered. This can help reduce the contention and frustrations surrounding your budget. Creating a budget is the easy part, but sticking to one is harder.  Remember that your budget needs to be realistic and help you live financially stable. Along with your budget, you and your spouse need to have routine budget check-in meetings. This is an essential step to following your budget and can foster great financial discussions with your spouse.

2. Saving is Essential

This is one of the best tools to help limit financial stress. I suggest saving a certain percent of your pay check first before determining what you have left to spend. There are many accidents and unforeseen circumstances that will arise throughout your marriage (complications during childbirth can rack up a bill of over $50,000 very quickly), and having a fairly large savings can be such a relief. Tip: Just because you have $5,000 in savings does not mean that you have to spend it. I have learned that the more money I have in savings the more at peace I feel. I know that when I prepare myself financially that I will be blessed in the future. It is important to create a saving's strategy with your spouse so you can both be on the same page with your finances. This idea can help you and your spouse be less stressed when monetary difficulties come your way and can greatly help reduce contention. 

3. Pay a full Tithe

This is a principle that many couples can struggle with. I remember as a kid learning this principle and thinking that a dime out of my dollar was a lot. I laugh at that now! Though it may seem like a sacrifice, we are promised blessings. "The payment of tithing is a commandment, a commandment with a promise." These blessings can include good heath, relationships, and financial stability. This is one financial principle, that when followed consistently, will have an eternal impact. 

Rich Avery for SeedTime talks about 7 simple rules to stop fighting about money and his first one is to be generous givers. He recounts that paying tithing brought him and his spouse closer together. I know this principle is true because I have seen it in my life. As Kyle and I faithfully pay our tithing, we find that we can make better monetary decisions with what money we have left after tithing. 

4. Be Honest about your Finances

For financial success in your marriage, you and your spouse need to be honest with each other about your money and where it is going. As a couple, you cannot accurately plan your finances if you aren't being honest and realistic with one another. You are honest with finances when you openly talk about financial difficulties and not hide money from one another.  One step that my husband and I have taken to be more honest about our finances together, is we created a joint bank account that we both have access to. It allows both of us to see where we are spending our money and opens up great discussion. Honesty is essential to every aspect of marriage, not just finances.

If you and your spouse are facing serious money problems I suggest going to see your bishop or a financial adviser. Facing financial difficulties are hard but as you rely on the Lord and work together with your spouse you can be blessed. For more advice Nurturing Marriage has an entire section dedicated to combating finances as a couple. There are many great articles that have helped me along this new path in my marriage. By following these few simple steps, you and your spouse can reduce contention surrounding monetary issues.